Have I been overthinking this, or is the situation really that worrisome? Every day feels like someone has tied stones to my legs and is dragging me to the deep end of a river in a boat. The world around me is beautiful and pleasant, but I cannot enjoy it. The fear of being thrown overboard, legs tied, consumes all my energy. I feel tired, irritated, and selfish. I know I do not like myself, my attitude, and it is so unlike me.
I used to be the jovial, energetic person who was always giving. People believed I had it all figured out; I was always ready to help others, to step aside and make things pleasant for them. I saw myself as a leader. Now I feel like I’m merely surviving.
But am I, really? I have built exceptional teams by understanding human emotion and navigating people through difficult times. I have solved complex technical problems through perseverance and grit, working long hours to find solutions rather than giving up. I have embodied the characteristics of an Ideal Team Player: Hungry, Humble, Smart. These are not external labels, they were me.
Let the situation be what it may, I have always fought through with that same attitude. I paid little attention to what others thought; I assumed people thought well of me because they always had good intentions. But somewhere along the way, my thinking shifted. Now I believe everyone is judging me negatively. I created a mindset where the entire world seems to think poorly of me.
My manager thinks I cost more than I deliver. My colleagues believe I talk too much and don’t deliver on my commitments. My team seems to think I’m not helping anymore. I have imagined stones, invisible weights of how others perceive me, and tied them to my own legs. I stiffened myself so completely that I forgot how to untie them. The rigidity comes from fear: fear of losing everything. My mind and body have gone into pure survival mode. I am still.
Then something shifted. I took a conscious breath. I smiled at the illusion I had created. I relaxed. I realized I had been dreaming all along and now I was awake.
As I softened, my body began to loosen. I saw where I had been holding myself back, where I was tensing instead of breathing, resisting instead of resting and expanding. I began breathing normally. My hands and legs were free. I looked around no stones, no weight. I was simply sitting in a beautiful boat, surrounded by a beautiful world.
I found my partner practicing yoga in the next room. She smiled at me, and I smiled back. The dog wagged its tail, ready for our walk. And I realized: I am free. I can do anything, create anything, win anything.
Let’s go.
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