Something disturbed me whole night. I could not sleep at all. I thought it is better to go to the park and talk to Dadu. That may help me relax. So, early morning ran to the park. Took a complete round but could not find him anywhere. I sat in the bench where he usually sits and started doing pranayama. Almost one hour passed by but Dadu was nowhere. I thought of asking some people but nobody knew him. It is so strange and selfish of me that I always talked to him about my issues and problem, but never enquired about him. He was very old so thought of not finding him was scary. I did not give up and kept on asking every person whether they know the person whom I talk to everyday. The result was in negative. I remembered that he once said, “When you have a question let me know”. So may be because I do not have definite question in mind, I can’t see him. This is kind of weird, but when you get emotional nothing is weird.
I tried thinking a lot but could not find definite question that I would like to ask.I closed my eyes to calm myself down and concentrate. All kind of distractions like the noise of vehicles on the nearby road, kids playing on the ground, people talking to each other while jogging and some people speaking over cell phone. All were disturbing to me and I opened my eye to scold each of them by my look. But as always it was ineffective. I again closed my eyes and tried to concentrate and I recalled what my uncle had taught me. I tried to feel the breath. Tried to see where it is going, feeling and movements at nostril, wind pipe, lungs, chest, stomach. Then a fly came and sat on my nose. I shooed it away with displeasure. Again tried the effort of watching my breath in and out. Ignored the noises and tried to tolerate the minor distractions. After couple of moments I could feel a silence all around. Tried to enjoy the silence for sometime. I continued watching my breath but somehow it became very short and non-existent after sometime. I was feeling good and something was trying to push top of my head from within. It is as if, there is a rod in my spine which is trying to come out through top of my skull. It was not uncomfortable though. I was enjoying a lot. There were several small vibrations and mild pains in various muscled of my body but I ignored them. Gradually I was feeling as if I am going in a tunnel with great speed. I was enjoying. After sometime I was out in a space where here is no boundary. No earth, no sky, nothing around. I felt as if somebody had put a torchlight on my face. I was feeling good but suddenly one gentleman pushed me while trying to give space to one of his friend in the same bench where I was sitting.
I was back to my normal state and everything was going on as usual. The only change was two people adjusted themselves in the space which I reserved for Dadu. This experience was magical but it had raised a question in my mind. “What am I worth in this world? I mean, am I really needed in this world? If I will not be there then what loss will this world suffer?”. I heard, “Nothing!”. I looked to my side and saw Dadu standing there with his walking stick. But his answer nothing was to somebody else. I stood up and touched his feet. We went to another empty bench. There I asked, “Why you were so late today? Where do you stay by the way? Next time I do not find you, I will go to your home.”. He laughed and said, “You need me? I am a very very old man. What is my use in this world? My presence or absence does not matter. I cause problem to people enjoying their drive because they have to apply break and spend their battery power by honking, because I can not walk faster. I am a wastage of time and money for many people in this world. I am not worth in this world.” he said. I replied with anger, “Those drivers should be punished. How can they honk at you while you are crossing the road. You are worth million of people together. You know so much and you can help us youngsters to lead a better life. We can not get right answer always and we need you at that time. You are priceless Dadu. Don’t ever say that.”. He was smiling and listening to me. Once I was done with my outburst, he stood up and said, “It is getting late for you as you have to go to office and for me too. May god bless you.” He stood up and walked towards the gate along with another senior. They were busy talking something so I did not want to disturb him.
I thought about my question. How much Dadu is worth is dependent on how much we are getting from him? Although was a very selfish statement but truth. So, what I am worth is dependent on what can I do for others? Hmm. Dadu was very clever. He did not answer but let me answer my question myself. I was delighted to know that my work for self is not of any value unless anybody else is getting benefit out of it. The more people get benefitted hen I am move worthy. I also realized that Dadu is worth because his advices are of high standard. So I can be worthy only if the help people get from me is of high standard. Wonderful. It was time for me to start being worthy so I started walking towards home. Most probably Dadu had gone by then because I could not see him.
Namaste!!!
– Stray Dog
Life as Sakti 